Letter to Brittany.....

Remembering  the good ole' days... 

Sharing a room with you and my brother. Fighting all the time. Playing dress up in our costumes. 

You chipping your tooth on the porch when we were in the playhouse. 

You were my biggest fan. Anything that I needed to use or wanted to look at, you would let me. 

We had a bond that most sister's keep forever. 

But somewhere we got lost and you replaced me.  

I wanted to be like you. Humble, talented, skinny, daddy's favorite girl. He was so proud to be your dad. 

Now I wait by the phone for your to call or text. I left you a note to let you know that nothing has changed on my end and I am here if you need me, but I haven't  heard anything for years now.

Not having you there is the saddest relationship I have lost to date. We were each other's back-up. No matter what we would stick together when we got in trouble. 

I don't know what happen to you.. but I miss it. 

If you find her please tell her I said that. 

Last Dance....

My favorite things to do since I could walk was dance. 

Tap, ballet, Jazz, Pom etc. I was crazy about music too. 

I started out in a little studio in my hometown and out grew it after 7 years. I was hungry for more and wanted to learn, so my mother found a place 2o mins away on the south side for us to start taking lessons. 

In the beginning at my new studio I struggled trying to keep up with the other girls. (dancing with 16 year olds when I was 11) 

But I practiced hard and love dance with all my heart and pretty soon I was at the studio every day. 

I love the way dancing made me feel. It got me away from family drama and surround me with people that truly loved me. No matter what day I was having, I could go to dance and all things that happen that day would sudden fade away. It was "my place".

During Jr. High I decided I wanted to do cheer also, so working out all the time  took a huge toll on a 16 year olds body and summer of 2001 I decided I need a break from dance for the summer, with the intentions of going back in the fall. 

Summer came and went and I was ready to go back, When we received a phone call at our house. It was the studio owner's dad asking me in a very stern voice where my mother was??? 

I said "I didn't know" and asked him if there was a problem. He said yes! 

"your bill is way over due and I had no choice but to send your account to my attorney." 

I will never forget those words and the way that conversation had made me feel. My mother, for what ever reason had not paid my sister and I's bill. 

I was so angry for so long at my selfish mother for taking the one thing I loved out of my life and vowed to never forgive her. * I still have a grudge. 

This past month I was able to reconnect with my old teacher and the staff and it was semi-awkward. I wanted to tell them how much I missed them and if I could have gotten a job and paid my bill myself , I would have. 

Those are people that will never be forgotten in my life until the day I die and have hopes that they know they change little girls lives one dance at a time. 

I have grown a thick skin, but dance and the tragic events that lead me to never go back will always lead me to tears any day of the week. 

Week beginning

This weekend was fantastic!  

Time to relax, sleep, and be with my girls! 

It was super calming to remember what it is like to sleep in and not be super busy. Remembering that I do have a life other than working, eating and texting. 

The day that I move to California moves closer and closer. It is completely official. Am I scared? Of course.... 

Will I miss my friends, mentor and crazy family? Yes. 

It seems weird,  but I feel this is the beginning of my big girl life. A time to be alone and away from comfort. To see what this big bad world is all about. 

I grin from ear to ear thinking about the possibilities of what is to come in life. 

How much I have grown. Jumped over mountains .. crossed the 1/2 way mark. 

There is some truth that lies in the statement: If you want to change... you will. 

The comfort of not giving someone else the responsibility for my happiness, or letting a single person, thing, relationship dictate how I feel. 

I went from pimply teen, who cries because no one loves her or understands her. Cuts herself on occasion, and writes poems that would make dead people roll over in their graves. 

To.... optimist! opportunist! thinking of how intricate life is and not taking one single Milli second for granite. Embracing her color, body and intelligence. 

World... I hope you're ready .....