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February 17, 2009

All By Myself...

Loneliness.

 

Alone. By Yourself. No one else. Just you. Quiet……

 

There are more ways to describe the feelings that have been overwhelming my heart and brain for the past couple of weeks.

 

Real hardships, hurt and pain.

 

An explanation is due in reference to my previous blog. Being harsh is the only thing I know, and I am trying to work on that flaw.

 

The definition of friend in my dictionary is CLEARLY … different in everyone’s book. I am not going to apologize for telling people I no longer speak to that we are not friends. That is reality. We are acquaintances. If I see you on the street or in a crowd, I will say hello, but that will be the extent of our conversation.

 

Singleness is difficult. When everything and everyone around seems to be happier, better off, joyful… etc.

 

It is not envy that I posses, it is the wonder. Why has God chosen this life for me?

 

Having a support system is very important. No one can understand a specific feeling that another person has.

 

Having your heart torn in ½, chopped up, pureed and served to the wrong people can be devastating.

 

Walk a mile in the shoes I have been wearing for quite some time. You may be able to understand.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It makes me sad but I also think it’s very likely that this pain in your life is intended to shape you and to direct you toward something like the bank directs a river. You will have some difficult choices to make in this process like, “will I try to make a man (or lots of men) fit into this hole that’s in my heart?” and “will I become bitter over the pain that I feel?”. Those are the two temptations that I see you facing. Some more positive choices would be to listen to criticism you receive and let it make you better instead of having an automatic defensive reaction (which we all feel at first most of the time) and to use the time that you have by yourself to read things that draw you close to God (because He is the only one that actually fits in that hole) and to learn to worship Him in your private time. To make decisions that if you can’t be with quality people doing quality things then you will be alone and do nothing rather than be with people who bring you down doing things you will regret. I really, really do know it’s hard. I remember it very clearly. I would say it’s one of the most stark memories that I have – waiting, crying, being alone but learning that I’m never alone and learning to love His presence so much that I would choose pursuing it over almost any other activity. There isn’t a formula to get you there. There is only a real God who is really crazy about you and is trying to lead you out of a really bad place into a really wonderful, fulfilling place.



A book I want to recommend to you. I’m reading it right now and it’s awesome. It’s healing and changing me. It will be life altering for you. Be ready. It’s Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry. Get it. Read it.

CANNED extravagance said...

AWWWW i feel horrible reading this.
not to minimize YOUR pain but trust and believe, heartbreak is no stranger to myself. the flow of pain you feel will CIRCULATE right back out. we ALL have our moments (or weeks or months) of self doubt & unhappiness. my whole JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL WAS NOTHIN BUT DEPRESSION AND SELF DOUBT MIXED IN WITH SELF-hatred. h8 to be cliche, but keep your head up. things will get better. the cloud will clear and you'll see things better.